Ten Days of Terror!: Grindhouse

Film: Grindhouse
Format: Bluray from Somonauk Public Library through interlibrary loan on rockin’ flatscreen.

There are problems with reviewing Grindhouse on this blog. The primary problem is that on the They Shoot Zombies, Don’t They list, both of the two major parts of Grindhouse (Planet Terror and Death Proof) appear as separate listings. What’s a blogger to do in this case? If I write about the two movies here, I have nothing to write about when it comes to those reviews. Do I simply call this a triple feature? Do I review them here and review the missing scenes replaced in the full versions of the films? Instead, I figured I’d look at the part that links the two films: the fake (kinda) trailers.

There are four of them, and evidently there might be a fifth that was tapped in at some point, even if it wasn’t on the disc that I got. At the very least, it wasn’t on the version of the film(s) that came from the library, and it wasn’t in the version that I saw in the theater. That being the case, I’ll look at the four that are in the theatrical version. On the disc, they are in this order: Machete, directed by Robert Rodriguez; Werewolf Women of the SS, directed by Rob Zombie; Don’t, directed by Edgar Wright; and Thanksgiving, directed by Eli Roth. On the disc, Machete comes before Planet Terror and the other three come between the two movies.

I Hate Eli Roth

Film: Cabin Fever
Format: DVD from Cortland Public Library on the new portable.

I don’t swing the word “hate” around that often, but I hate Eli Roth. Of all of the films I have seen and all of the various directors whose work I have dealt with, none have made me want to punch someone more than Eli Roth. I’m constantly and consistently disappointed in Rob Zombie, Tarantino’s self-indulgence bothers me, and Zack Snyder doesn’t deserve what reputation he seems to have earned, but none of them make me go into full-on punching mode like Eli Roth. I’ve put off watching Cabin Fever for as long as I felt I legitimately could. I just wanted it in the rearview mirror. So here we are.

This is going to end up being a short review, because Cabin Fever doesn’t deserve more than that, and neither does Eli Roth. This is the story of five people who, despite the fact that two of them are women, are the most frat brother assholes you have ever encountered. They all go to a (sigh) cabin in the woods for a week-long getaway where they all contract a horrible flesh-rotting disease and die terribly. The end.

Wednesday Horror: Hostel; Hostel Part II

Films: Hostel; Hostel Part II
Format: DVD from Sycamore Public Library on laptop.

The things I do for this blog. No, seriously. I’ve gone to some dark places here and I knew when I signed on for this that I would be going places I didn’t want to and that I’d come out the other side with some scars. When I started this project, there were places I hoped I wouldn’t have to go. As the project expanded, some of those darker corners of the cinematic experience came closer and closer. And so, now I’ve gone where I said I wouldn’t. I watched Hostel. Once having done that, I figured there was nothing to lose in watching Hostel Part II.

Before I get into this, and I’m going to tell you now that this is going to be a relatively short pair of reviews, I should make a few admissions. The first is that I don’t like the idea of torture porn, let alone the reality of it. The idea that it’s somehow entertaining to witness gratuitous and meaningless pain is unpleasant to me to say the least. The second admission is that I genuinely dislike Eli Roth. He just looks like such a poser, like a guy who thinks he’s got street cred because his dad bought it for him.