Format: Streaming video from Tubi TV on Fire!
We have got to talk about Sleepwalkers. Once upon a time, Stephen King, who wrote this screenplay, had a serious drug problem. There’s evidence of that in some of his projects, like the ridiculous Maximum Overdrive (the only movie he directed), and this one. Sleepwalkers has a premise that is at least mildly interesting, if a bit derivative. But once you get past the premise, this movie is complete nonsense. What it has going for it is that it’s the ridiculous kind of nonsense that eventually gets beyond silly and kind of becomes entertaining again.
You should be aware right from the start that we are going to go in some nasty places here—not nasty in the sense of blood and gore, but nasty in the sense of the habits of our two main characters. We start with police in California investigating a house that is surrounded by the bodies of dead, often mutilated cats. There’s also the desiccated body of a young girl in the house as well, but no sign of the occupants.
Cut to our occupants, Mary (Alice Krige) and Charles Brady (Brian Krause), who have moved on to Indiana. Mary and Charles are not married; they are mother and son, but that does not at all stop them from what is clearly a sexual relationship. Also, they’re not human. They are shapeshifting werecats that can appear human and can also essentially disappear (and can also make their car disappear). They are also energy vampires—Charles drains virgin girls and then (like I said, nasty places) transfers that energy to his mother…in exactly the way you don’t want to think about.
Anyway, in their new town, Charles, who is of high school age in appearance, sets his sights on Tanya Robertson (Mädchen Amick). What happens then is a fairly short courtship that leads up to his attempted murder of Tanya. Of course, we’re going to get a few other attempted murders, and a few successful ones as well leading up to this. The police naturally don’t believe Tanya about a shapeshifting werepanther who can somehow also change his car from one model into another, but eventually, with some dead police and a trail of bodies, we’re going to get some final showdowns.
The problem with Sleepwalkers is that none of the collected powers and abilities of the creatures (the sleepwalkers of the title) make any sense. They can shapeshift, sure—it’s sort of a controlled lycanthropy. But why can they change the appearance of the car? How come they can turn invisible (and turn the car invisible) as well? I can understand the super strength, but they also seem to heal instantly and are affected by no actual weapons.
What does affect them? Cats. Cats can see through their human illusion and are both attracted to the sleepwalkers and are their mortal enemies. Cat bites and scratches are deadly for them, which explains why when Charles sees the pet cat of Deputy Andy Simpson (Dan Martin), he goes through a series of uncontrollable facial shape shifts.
But, since cats are attracted to them, their house is always surrounded by cats. They don’t shapeshift when they see them. They just trap them and apparently nobody thinks it’s weird that they have literal bear trap-style traps and slings set for the cats that surround their house. When Alice goes to Tanya’s house to drain her herself and beats the living crap out of Tanya’s father, the police officer stationed there runs into the next room to call the station, loudly, with his back turned to the person who just murdered a citizen, and who he missed with a full clip of bullets, often by 10 feet, when she is standing 10 feet away. And then she stabs him in the back with a corn cob. I mean that literally—she stabs him with a corn cob.
Police cars blow up with a single shot from a pistol. A teacher’s hand gets literally ripped off his arm like snapping off the end of a green bean. Our sleepwalkers inexplicably move across the country to a gigantic, fully-furnished house after leaving a gigantic, fully-furnished house in California. Where does all that stuff come from? And, inexplicably, in addition to the uncredited Mark Hamill cameo, there are appearances from Tobe Hooper, John Landis, Clive Barker, and Joe Dante. Oh, and Ron Perlman for some reason.
Sleepwalkers is nonsensical. I don’t mind movies being nonsensical sometimes, but only when they intend to be so. Sleepwalkers, I think, wanted to be taken seriously, or at least to have been scary. It’s not worth taking seriously and it’s not a bit scary, so it pretty much fails all the way around. Watch Cat People instead, even the remake.
Why to watch Sleepwalkers: You need a good laugh.
Why not to watch: Did you know Stephen King had a coke problem? This movie is clear evidence.
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