Format: DVD from Manteno Public Library through interlibrary loan on gigantic television.
It’s been awhile since I’ve posted anything, and honestly, it’s been a few days since I’ve watched anything. I’ve been out of town for a bit and have not really had the opportunity to do much but yardwork and grading papers for the last week. May has really gotten away from me, and all of the progress I made last month catching up on the goal of 400 movies/year has melted away. So I’m trying to get back to it, and a short, goofy horror movie seems the best way to do it. And so we have Bordello of Blood. To give you an idea of exactly how goofy this is, it’s also known as Tales from the Crypt Presents: Bordello of Blood. Yep, it’s an extension of the Tales from the Crypt show.
There is something that you’re going to have to get prepared to deal with right off the top. There was a short period of time where Dennis Miller was post-SNL Weekend Update and pre-right wing conservative clown and Bordello of Blood falls right in the middle of that. What that means for you if you’re going to watch this is that Dennis Miller is going to be the good guy. Honestly, that fact played a lot better 30 years ago when this was new than it does now.
Anyway, we start with the revival of Lilith (Angie Everhart), the queen of all vampires. Treasure hunter Vincent Prather (Phil Fondacaro) puts the four pieces of Lilith’s heart together over her body, bringing her back—but he possesses a key that gives him control over her actions. Sharp-eyed viewers may recognize the key as the one from Demon Knight.
Anyway, back in the U.S., Katherine Verdoux (Erika Eleniak) fights with her brother Caleb (Corey Feldman), who rushes off with his friends, eventually winding up with one of them at a new bordello in town. The fact that the bordello in question exists in the bottom of a funeral home/mortuary doesn’t dissuade them. Of course, the bordello is a front for Lilith and all of the prostitutes are vampires as well. What this means is that pretty much everybody who walks in is going to end up eaten, with a few of them becoming vampires.
With the disappearance, Katherine starts looking for help in locating her brother, and much to everyone’s chagrin, she finds Rafe Guttman (Miller), who is going to be the “wisecracking” detective who tries to solve the case. He’s going to track down the bordello in question, eventually figure out what is happening, and do his best to find out precisely what happened to Caleb. And, true to form, he’s going to make a bunch of obscure references while he is doing all of this.
So let’s talk about what is important here. First, this is very much a longer episode of Tales from the Crypt with the added bonus of frequent nudity. Virtually all of the women here are topless most of the time (with Angie Everhart and Erika Eleniak being notable exceptions). The acting is on par with the show, though. This is very much camp and intended to be camp. While there might be a few scares here for people who genuinely aren’t fans of horror, this is scary like a carnival funhouse.
This also does have a fun way of getting rid of vampires. Just like Vampire$ gives us the joy of vamps being harpooned and dragged into sunlight with a winch, Bordello of Blood presents a fun and completely logical way to address vampire infestations: Super Soakers filled with holy water. It’s inventive and fun, and probably the best part of the film.
But really, that’s it. Bordello of Blood isn’t a good movie and it doesn’t pretend to be a good movie. This is even beyond the fact that it stars Dennis Miller. It’s supposed to be goofy and silly and isn’t really supposed to be taken seriously or actually scary, and it isn’t. And that’s okay if the movie itself is good, but Tales from the Crypt is intentionally camp, and intentional camp generally fails on some level. And that’s the case here. It’s short, though, and hardly the worst thing I’ve ever seen, but it’s never going to approach “good.”
In an odd bit of weirdness, I’ve actually met Dennis Miller, and I once interview Erika Eleniak. I worked in video/computer game journalism for a half dozen years. In 1995, Erika Eleniak was a part of the live-action video boom in gaming, and was featured in a game called Panic in the Park. I talked to her for about 15 minutes. She was pleasant, but certainly wouldn’t remember this. As for Dennis Miller, he was featured in a 1994 product called That’s Geek to Me, which was basically 90 minutes of standup from a company called Sanctuary Woods. I met him at a trade show. He was nice enough, but it’s also right in this same era, after SNL and before he sold out to the Republicans.
Anyway, this isn’t terrible, but it’s never going to be worth watching a second time.
Why to watch Bordello of Blood: It’s pure camp.
Why not to watch: Dennis Miller as an ass-kicking vampire killer? Oof.
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